


A Monster's Gentle Soul

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, Memory Loss, deal with a devil?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-08-01
Packaged: 2018-12-02 15:06:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 10,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11511891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: Simon loses all memory of Baz. Baz wants to keep an eye on him, so he moves in as his new neighbor. And just like that, they fall in love all over again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> New chapter every day :)

It was late in the evening. Simon laid silently in Baz' arms and for a brief moment Baz wondered why. Didn't he feel cold? The fire place was burning and warm light shone from it. They had just been watching one of the silly comedies Simon was a huge fan of.   
Shortly, Baz closed his eyes to fully enjoy Simon's presence. He couldn't believe that this was his life now. It still appeared like a wonderful dream to him. One day he would wake up only to find himself in a cold coffin, on the brink of death. He grabbed Simon a little tighter as memories washed over him that he wished to forget. Amazingly enough, Simon gave him that power: As long as he was here, Baz didn't have to think about it. What he then thought was how beautiful life was, spending it with the person he loved most. Of course Baz was well aware that this wouldn't last forever. He was sure to be only a short chapter in Simon's life. Soon Simon would recognize what a mistake their relationship was. If Baz wasn't so damn selfish he would never have started it, knowing that Simon deserved a lot better than this. But as he was laying there, he felt Simon ever so closely and therefore, none of that mattered. He would cherish every single moment of this, every breath he could take without falling apart.

Simon looked up at him and his smile was so bright, Baz felt blinded.

“I thought you were asleep,” Baz whispered.

“I was just... thinking,” Simon murmured.

“Don't do that,” Baz smirked. “You know what happened the last time.”

“Shut up,” Simon laughed. “I just... I mean, you know that... That I...”

“Come on, Snow, say it.”

And then Simon did, in the most simple way he could.

“I love you.”

 

They say the world stands still for a few seconds. They say there are fireworks in your mind and butterflies in your heart. They say it is the best thing you could hear a person say.

 

But then again, Baz wasn't like usual people. Maybe he wasn't a person at all. The world did stand still for a few seconds, Baz was so shocked that for a moment he couldn't even breathe. But the feeling filling him afterwards was nothing but dread. He stiffened and struggled to react. How could he?

“Baz?” Simon whispered, the words stuck in his throat. “You don't- You don't have to answer that. I mean, I thought you would... too... But it's fine if you don't feel the same. We can just pretend I didn't say anything, okay, Baz?”

Tears were welling up in his eyes.

“Goodness, will you just shut up?”

Suddenly Baz was not only confused but also horrified. He pushed Simon away and got up.

“I need to leave. I can't- I just can't.”

And Baz left so quickly, Simon couldn't even blink. He tried to process what had just happened.

They hadn't said these meaningful words before. In a year of being together, none of them had brought up the courage to say it, thinking that the other didn't consider their relationship that important.

“I didn't mean to break it,” Simon said and as no one else was there, he said it solely to himself. “I didn't mean to.”

But something so fragile was just too easy to bust.

 

_**-** _

 

The bartender shot him a bored look as Baz ordered another drink. The crowd behind him was chattering and the noise was like a drill in his mind. Usually he would have hated this place but right now it was exactly the kind of distraction he needed. Truthfully, this was just Baz being a coward. If only he had the guts to go back and end it. If only he had the guts to do the right thing for once. Never had he felt this terrible before. He had made so many hard choices in the past but the deciding never stopped. Every day he stood in front of the very same decision. Carry on or end it all? And he was never able to be strong.

Baz had never expected Simon to love him back. Not when they kissed for the first time and not for the hundredth time they did. He hadn't been aware of the chaos he left behind in Simon's fragile heart. How was it even possible? To fall in love with somebody like him...

Suddenly some guy sat down next to Baz, but he didn't even look up. The only guy Baz cared about was at home, probably crying...

“Hey, what's up?”

Gosh, no, conversation was the last thing Baz wanted.

“You're looking kind of _grim_ , if you know what I mean.”

“Yeah, and I think that should be an indication for you that I do not want random strangers chatting me up, so back off.”

He paused for a moment.

“Wait, was that a pun? How do you know my name?”

“What, your name is Grim? Kind of a sad name, dude.”

“I'd rather be called grim than dude.”

“Come on. Tell me why you're so bitter. Maybe I can help.”

“Ha, that's funny, because I've been bitter practically all my life and if I haven't been able to cure me in all that time, you aren't either.”

“Hey, I think you underestimate me.”

“Okay, well then, here's the truth. My half dragon boyfriend just declared his love to me but unfortunately I'm a blood sucking vampire which means he's crazy and should go to the mental hospital, because which sane person would fall in love with a monster?”

“I've heard worse.”

“Wow, I guess you're insane too if you just believed that.”

“I'm just a man who's trying to help.”

For the first time during this encounter, Baz looked up from his glass and saw the other guy's clothing. He wore a Cowboy hat and a satin coat. He looked like he'd walked straight out of a movie. The worst thing were the tights. Baz stared at him in horror. Nothing about this outfit added up.

“Man, I'm feeling a vibe of judgment here and I'll just tell you straight away. Do not under any circumstances question my fashion choices, because I personally think it's pretty swag!”

“Whatever. I went to school at _Watford_.”

“So?”  
“You would have liked their dressing code.”

Light blue hair was sticking out under the hat. Baz shook his head and went back to his drink. Maybe he was just drunk already.

“Listen, I think I can help you out, Baz.”

“Okay, that's it. Who are you?”

“I think I might be just the person you need right now.”

“And who would that be?”  
“Let's say a person who's offering you a pretty cool deal.”

“Cool?”  
“You want Simon to be happy, right? I can ensure that he is.”

“And how would you do that?”  
“I could make him forget.”

Baz decided not to question just now.

“What?”  
“Everything. He'll forget he ever knew you. By tomorrow morning he won't even know your name. And you could meet him all over again. You don't even need to say goodbye to him that way. Just stay close to him, as his neighbor and you can always make sure he's safe.”

“If Simon met me again, without all that shit that's happened to us, he wouldn't even like me.”

“And isn't that what you want? That he sees you without prejudices? That he finds happiness with somebody else because you believe you can't give it to him?”

Baz hesitated. This could solve everything. All that sadness would be gone. Simon would finally be able to see him as he was. And the best thing: he wouldn't have to leave. Simon's heart wouldn't get broken.

“Okay, let's just assume for a second you had that kind of power... What would be in it for you?”

“Not much, no sweat. Just your soul.”

This time Baz actually laughed.

“I would honestly love to sell you my soul, but sadly I don't have one. If I did, there wouldn't be any reason to make a deal... I'm a soulless monster.”

“If that's so, then there's nothing for you to be afraid of, is it? Are you scared of hell, Basilton Grimm-Pitch?”

“Hell?”  
Baz thought of the coffin and the numpties and of all the years he had to pretend to hate Simon.

“Been there, done that.”

“So what do you say?”

“Are you seriously expecting me to believe that this is what the devil looks like, _dude_?”

“You have nothing to lose, do you?”

_Damn it,_ Baz thought as he finished his drink. Because sadly enough, this joke of a devil was right.

 


	2. Chapter 2

There will be a time when everything around you is falling apart, without anything you could do about it. Or maybe it's more like you've been caught up in your own universe and this is the moment that you look up, only to find that the world around you has been burning all your life. Any way or another, things are going to be rough. And whenever it comes to that, take a deep breath. Keep your shoulders back and your head up. Smile at the blazes even if your whole body is shaking. Because in that moment, that will be the bravest thing to do.

Standing in front of the door to their apartment, Baz did just that. He took a deep breath and braced himself for anything that would come at him. He knocked softly and waited for the door to be opened like a convict that had been granted a visit to see his family one last time. Except that he had chosen this fate. Except that he did this out of stupidity or masochism or maybe just plain bravery for the one he loved. Because this would set things right. Simon would be better off without him.

The moment he had dreaded arrived and that damn blonde prince opened the door. His eyes were stained red and his cheeks glinted in the dim light of the corridor. _He cried,_ Baz thought, his chest hurting painfully, _he cried because of me. The sooner this ends, the better. Because in the end, heartbreak is going to be all that will come from this anyway._

“Baz?” Simon whispered and Baz simply couldn't stand him saying his name, not like that. Seeing Simon's eyes and recognizing the vulnerability in it broke something inside of Baz, making him snap. He leaped forward so quickly, he almost knocked Simon off his feet. Then he hugged him as tightly as he could, because he never wanted to let go.

“Baz,” Simon whispered now and hugged him back. Suddenly they were both crying. Baz because, _he's the prettiest boy I'll ever meet and he deserves the world. He deserves so much better than me._

And Simon cried because Baz cried and that's just a thing he would do.

_I'm fire. I'm the blazing flames in Simon's life. He'll get burned and I can't let that happen. I can't allow that he looks up one day just to see_ me.

“I love you,” Baz sobbed and the door fell shut behind them. “I love you.”

He repeated it over and over. Simon was there to kiss away his tears. “I love you so much, I'd build a rocket ship and fly you to the moon if you'd ask me to. I'd get the stars in this room for you, and I don't even care how sappy that sounds. I love you. I love you. I'll always love you.”

Sometimes you need to let go of what you love to save it. Isn't that what all the horrible songs on the radio always tell you? It's sad when such a corny line turns into truth.

Baz loved Simon Snow so much, he'd have sold his soul to save him. If he'd have had one.

 

_**-** _

 

Simon blinked into the sunlight from the window and then stared at the ceiling. He didn't want to get up. The world seemed out of shape, something was wrong but Simon couldn't put his finger on what it was. It was almost like something very important was missing. But when he looked around the room, everything seemed fine. It wasn't like he had been robbed over night. It wasn't like he possessed anything worth robbing. He didn't have any other choice but to ignore that feeling and go on about his usual day, in his usual life. He couldn't shake away the feeling of emptiness. Had he felt empty yesterday? Simon couldn't properly remember. Something about his memory seemed fuzzy. There was something that didn't make sense but he never could've guessed what it was. So he didn't think about it.

He got dressed. He brushed his teeth. He made breakfast (four slices of toast). He went to work at the coffee shop as he did every Monday morning. That was what he always did. Wasn't it?

In his short break he got out his phone as if he wanted to text someone, but he couldn't remember who it was. After that, he went home. The shop was only a few houses away, so he didn't need to walk long. He got his books out to study for the next day of Uni. That was normal. It still felt wrong.

Maybe a walk outside could fix things. Simon put on a coat and left the apartment. On his way out of the house he bumped into a tall black-haired guy. He apologized immediately and observed the guy as unobtrusively as possible. He had a very stern glance and captivating eyes.

“I've never seen you before.”

Somehow he was sure that he wouldn't forget a face like that.

“But you seem familiar.”

“Yeah, I get that a lot.”

“What are you doing here?”  
“I actually just moved in.”

“Oh, you mean we're neighbors? That's great. I was wondering when anybody would take the flat over mine.”

“Are you living alone?”

“No, I- I mean... Yes. I am living alone. Sorry, my name is Simon Snow.”

“Baz Pitch.”

“Weird. I would have thought your name would be long and posh, something like... Theodore Bob Grey-Peregrim or something like that.”

“That's very specific.”

“Yeah, I don't know where I got that idea from.”

Simon laughed and shook Baz' hand.

“Anyway, welcome to the neighborhood!”

“Thanks.”

Simon waved shortly and walked outside. He believed for a moment his new neighbor had murmured something that sounded like: “So it really worked.” but he couldn't be sure.

What was even weirder was that Simon just realized... For a short moment there the emptiness had vanished. He felt slightly warmer now and not quite that scared.

Had he really never seen Baz before? Maybe they'd walked by each other in passing. It felt like they'd known each other before, almost like they were friends some time ago... But that couldn't be true, now, could it?

 


	3. Chapter 3

Simon couldn't stop thinking about his new neighbor. His pitch black hair, the nose, that was slightly crooked (Simon wondered whether he'd gotten in a fight – He seemed too posh for that, somehow. Like the kind of person who has people who fight _for_ him), the grey eyes (a mesmerizing kind of grey, one that swallows you whole if you don't pay attention). And he wore _jeans._ Simon shouldn't have been so surprised by that fact, but somehow Baz seemed like he only wore trousers and fancy coats (and shirts. Obviously. It wasn't like Simon imagined him without a shirt.)

He ran across him a few times in the hallway and he always managed to get flustered and hide away. (Did he have _a crush_? On _a boy_? That couldn't be right. Except. Baz was so attractive? Objectively, obviously.) He would have to get this out of his system. And there was only one way to achieve so. He would ask Baz to hang out with him. (And then they would become friends. And they'd get closer. And then Baz would kiss him – no. And then these weird feelings would vanish. That's what he was trying to do. Baz surely wasn't interested in that kind of thing.)

So he stood on Baz' doorway and knocked on the door, his heart racing fast. _Maybe he isn't home. Maybe he's busy. Maybe he doesn't want to see me. Maybe -_

The door opened. When Baz saw him, he started to smile – and somehow, that caused Simon to go weak at the knees. _It shouldn't be allowed for people to smile like that._

'Uhm,' Simon started, who had suddenly forgotten everything he wanted to say.

 

Baz was surprised to see Simon. He had told himself to be patient and not come on too strong, because he didn't want to push Simon away or creep him out. He told himself to be satisfied with the occasional meeting in the hallway, no matter how much he longed for Simon's presence. Every night he laid awake, thinking how Simon was so close, only one floor underneath him, yet so far away. It would only take time. It would take time until Simon got happier, and moved on, and found new people to love. There was a whole different life out there, just waiting for him. Maybe Baz needed to help him get there. He was going to befriend Simon; what he didn't expect was for Simon to knock on his door and for a second, just one second, he let himself believe that Simon remembered him and came to take him home.

But of course, that didn't happen. He probably just needed help with something. And Baz was more than willing to give it to him.

And then he looked at him, really looked, and he saw Simon, with his messy curl, and tilted grin, and he could feel how much he had missed him. He couldn't even control the smile that crept onto his face.

'So,' Simon stuttered. 'I was, uhm, wondering, whether you would like to hang out with me. Sometime.'

_Hang out?_ Baz felt his heart beat speeding up.  _No, silly. He's not asking you on a date. He means, as friends._

'Sure.'

'How about now?'

_No way._ Baz felt like he needed time to prepare himself. He needed time to steel himself. Simon, not remembering him, that wasn't something he was able to deal with easily.

'Actually, I was just about to -'

He saw Simon's face fall and he changed his mind.

'You know what? I do have time.'

Because he always loses. And he always gives in.  
  
When you're a child, they never tell you that it's painful to love someone. They never tell you that your heart will ache at the sight of their smile. They never tell you that sometimes, it will feel like you're burning up from the inside out. Nobody tells you. It hits you unexpectedly, and then you feel like you're suffocating.

Why did they never tell you? Why did they only ever tell you fairy tales with happy endings and beautiful princes and perfect people? Maybe they didn't want you to feel scared.

But you are scared now. You're terrified. Because you aren't perfect. And you wonder – are you doing it wrong?

Aren't you supposed to be happy?

Happy.

Do you deserve to be happy? What does deserving even mean? Maybe you do. Maybe you don't. But you do know that _he_ deserves to be happy. And you'd do anything for him.

They never told you that either. Love, it's a dangerous, dangerous thing.

 

That day, a new friendship blooms but Baz can never forget that he's barely more than a stranger to Simon. He has to be careful not to let anything slip; and he wonders whether this is what it would have been like. Meeting Simon Snow under normal circumstances. Would they really be friends? Or were they just friendly acquaintances?

But Baz knew that Simon would never fall in love with him now. He would only stay around until Simon had new friends and wasn't lonely any more.

They sat beside one another on the couch, watching a movie (just as they had only days before), and everything was different. Baz wanted nothing more than to reach out and put his arm around Simon's shoulder, nothing more than to breathe in his scent and tell him that he loved him. But he couldn't do that. (Not unless he wanted a restraining order, anyways).

He remembered the days that Simon hated him, feared him and he felt guilty as he realized that those days were still better than this. Anything was better than the distance between him and Simon and all the memories they shared were lost. He felt like a ghost, who only existed by half. If only he wasn't a vampire; maybe Simon could love him then.

But, still. This was more than he had bargained for.

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

It was late. The apartment felt empty. Something inside of Simon deeply longed for human company. There was nobody here to protect him from his poisonous thoughts; thoughts telling him he was a murderer, who had killed the Mage. How he was a failure for not being able to save Ebb. How he had always been trying to save the World of Mages, all along being the one who threatened it in the first place. What kind of cruel irony was that? It was one of these moments in which there was nothing to stop him from blaming himself for everything that had happened.  
He tried desperately to remember why Penny had left him. How had he ended up like this? He saw his friends only at work, nobody was here to help. Where had he gone wrong? Simon couldn't shake the feeling that there was something he didn't remember, something big that had gone missing from his memory. It was like an entire piece of him was gone.   
Simon knew only one place where he could go right in that moment. He took the stairs in the hallway to get up one floor and knocked on Baz' door, in the hope that his new friend could distract him from the thoughts, the feelings, the pain. There was no answer.

So. What now? That had to mean that Baz wasn't home. Or maybe he just didn't want to be disturbed. Baz didn't have any obligation to be there for him. He probably didn't care. (Simon didn't think that it was most likely just his anxiety speaking.)

He wanted to get away, but instead he broke down at the top of the stairs. He couldn't keep himself from crying. Why try? He just let himself feel everything he didn't want to feel.

He stayed there, in the empty hallway, for what felt like hours, the side of his head pressed against the white wall. Tears flowed down his cheeks and little sobs escaped his mouth. So. Maybe. Maybe had only been fooling himself; he was not alright. The cold crawled up his arms and made him shiver. The radiating warmth inside of him was gone; but, as Simon supposed, cold was far more fitting for a person called Snow.  
There was nobody here to rescue him. Baz was not his knight in shining armor. _You don't need saving,_ spat an angry voice in his head. _Aren't you the fucking Chosen One?_

Simon buried his face in his arm. He didn't want to face this alone.

'Simon?!'

Baz shocked voice made Simon's head snap up.  
'Baz,' he whispered, not enough strength to move any further. 'I'm sorry.'

'Don't apologize,' Baz said and rushed towards him. He said down beside him and lightly touched Simon's shoulder, as though he wasn't quite sure whether the touch would soothe Simon or ruffle him even more. But Simon leaned against him, his breath going quickly.  
'Breathe in, Simon, slowly.'

Simon did as he was told and Baz slowly counted to five. When Simon had calmed down enough, Baz carefully asked: 'What's wrong?'

'I thought I could handle this, Baz, but I can't. I've built myself a whole life here and I thought I was doing fine. I thought I had moved on. But maybe I was wrong. I can feel it all growing over my head. I can't take it any more.'  
Baz hugged him tightly.

'What happened, Baz? What changed? Why am I suddenly so lost? I think, maybe, I'm feeling lonely.'

'Lonely?' Baz chocked.

'Yes.'

'B-but why? You have friends at work, don't you?'  
'Yeah, but it's just not the same? We get along fine but that's it. They're not real friends.'

Baz stayed silent for a moment and Simon could see his jaw working.

'I'm your friend,' he finally forced out.

'I know, but-'

'I promise. I promise I'll always be there when you need me. Always. I'm not leaving you alone.'  
'Baz,' Simon whispered stunned. 'What's-'

He stopped when he noticed that Baz was crying, too. What was happening?  
'You'll get through this. You're Simon Snow. You've beaten far worse things than this.'  
Baz buried his face in Simon's shoulder.  
'How – How do you know?'  
 _Simon Snow,_ he wanted to say. _You're the most brave person I know. You've slain dragons and monsters. You've beaten the Humdrum. You've beaten the Mage. You've beaten me. You made me fall in love with you. You can do anything. I'm sorry I left you. This is my fault. I wish I could take it back. This was a mistake, wasn't it? Please, believe me, Simon, when I say that I love you. You are not alone._

But he swallowed it all down, knowing that he couldn't say any of it.  
'Just had a feeling,' he said and they clung onto each other in their embrace. And Simon felt something tugging inside his chest. Something he'd never felt before. He'd only known Baz for a few weeks but he adored him in a way that was completely strange to him. Eventually, Baz broke away from Simon and got up, to offer Simon a hand.

'Come on,' he said, 'You can stay in my apartment tonight if you want.'

'Please,' Simon answered. 'I don't want to be alone right now.'

  
Baz was making Simon a cup of tea, but his hands were shaking and his heart was racing. Simon would stay the night. This was what Baz had wanted for days, but it was still not the same as it used to be. He would have to sleep on the couch, leaving the bed to Simon.

He needed to collect himself and get it together. What Simon needed was a friend; nothing more, nothing less.

Baz was not going to take advantage of him in a situation like this. (Even though he still thought about what would happen if he only leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss against Simon's lips. He'd probably punch him. It was like fifth year all over again.)

He stood in the doorway and smiled at Simon, who laid there, looking small under the blanket. Then he turned out the light and only the lamp from the hallway illuminated Simon's face.

'Baz,' he whispered, sounding sleepy. 'This is your bed.'

'It's fine,' Baz whispered back.

Simon avoided his glance and murmured: 'I just don't want you to think I'm weird?'

'What? Why?'

Baz felt himself tense up. Did Simon not want to sleep here after all? Was he mad at Baz for some reason? He knew he was being irrational but he couldn't help himself.

'I just - ' Simon muffled. 'Stay.'

'Simon?'

'Please.'

Baz' heart beat was so loud that he could hear it. As Baz slid under the blanket beside Simon, he wanted to ask, _what does this mean?_ But he didn't. Instead, he listened to Simon's steady breathing and after a few moments, he thought that Simon had already fallen asleep. But then he could hear Simon whisper: 'You don't think I'm weird, do you?'

'No,' Baz confirmed and squeezed his eyes shut. It was all too much. Simon's body warmth reminded him of his own cold skin. He remembered how they used to cuddle – the cold and the warm boy. Together, they were the perfect match.  
Simon turned around to face Baz and then he lifted his hand. Baz pressed his palm against Simon's and they just laid still like that, feeling each other's skin. That simple touch made Baz feel like he was burning but he didn't break the silence.

Over the course of the night, they shuffled closer and they slept curled up around one another. And like that, Baz could almost forget that Simon didn't remember him.

Baz knew that Simon was a hero and he wished he could tell him. He wished for it so badly, it made his heart ache. Simon had fought so many monsters and he had done it all on his own. Now there was a different monster living inside of him. Grabbing Simon's hand tighter, Baz thought that this time, he wouldn't have to fight it alone.

 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I just wanted to thank everyone for the comments, it was really nice :) Hope you like the next chapter!

In the morning, they didn't talk about it. They sat across from each other on the breakfast table and Baz was freezing, so far apart from Simon. They drank their tea in silence.  
'Are you alright?' Baz asked.

'I'm... fine. A lot better than yesterday, but-'

'But what?'

'Oh, nothing...'

Baz didn't keep asking but he wondered what Simon didn't tell him.

Simon, on the other hand, wasn't able to _ignore_ these feelings any longer. Feelings he had denied for some time, because he thought the time was too short to be feeling such things, because it felt impossible. It didn't feel like this with Agatha, did it? This craving, just to be close to the other person?

For a brief moment, Simon wondered whether he had ever really loved her.  
  
Love.

_Is this what it feels like?_ It was far from what Simon had expected. Because now he recognized that love was, in fact,  _not_ an emotion. It was hundreds of emotions, all intensified and strong. Pain, radiating through your veins, just by knowing that these feelings weren't reciprocated. Jealousy, a cruel kind of envy, just by thinking that one day you won't be as important, one day there will be somebody else. Longing, even though you're just meters apart from one another, driving you insane. Hatred, directed at anyone who ever harmed him, who would ever dare, boiling in your stomach. Happiness, just by a simple smile he shoots at you.

And in that moment, Simon knew that only fools fell in love.

But then again, Penny had always called him a moron. Or didn't she? He couldn't remember. He knew that  _somebody_ had called him a moron. Whoever it was, they were right.

Sitting here, he was foolishly in love with a person who didn't love him back.

 

'I never meant for this to happen,' Simon whispered. Baz looked up.

'What? What is it?'  
'I'm sorry, Baz, truly. You don't deserve this.'  
'What? What are you talking about?'

Simon stepped towards him, lightly touching his cheek.  
'I- I've never felt like this before.'

And he shuffled closer. Baz' words got caught up in his throat. He felt his whole body heating up. Agonizingly slowly, Simon pushed the hair out of Baz' face and for a moment, Baz thought he was going to lean down and kiss him. But then Simon drew back a bit and Baz felt like he was going to lose his mind. Simon was so close, Baz would have been able to count all the little freckles on his face. He could feel his breath, and that made Baz painfully conscious of Simon's smell. He was afraid he wouldn't be able to control himself, that he would charge without wanting it. Kissing him? Biting him?  
'I- I have to go,' Baz stuttered and stood up so quickly that the chair almost fell over. He rushed out of the apartment without looking back.   
  
Since Simon had lost his memory (No, not lost. It had been  _taken_ from him. On Baz' account.) Baz hadn't gone to the butcher to buy blood. He'd simply forgotten about it. (Simon used to buy it for him.) Instead, he'd gone in the darker part of the city to hunt, with the help of magic, just like he used to. That's where he went now as well, hiding from the world in gloomy streets. He could hear the rats running on the wet pavement.

Baz was so angry with himself. He wanted to scream, but instead he punched the wall beside him. The only thing he got out of it was pain, but he didn't care any more. He wished he could take it all back. He wanted to go back to the moment a few weeks ago where he had agreed for the devil to wipe Simon's memory. He had thought it was for the best. So what now? Was he going to go to hell?  
Baz had never cared about his destiny; he didn't think he even _had_ a soul to sell. But he cared about Simon. And where had it got him?  
This whole mess was his fault. If he had wanted to save Simon from him, he should have done it years ago. He never should've agreed to be Simon's boyfriend. But now it was to late.

Baz buried his teeth in a rat, when he heard a sound from behind him.

'Baz.'

It was Simon's voice. He must have followed Baz. And Baz had been too careless to notice. Foolish.

Only little light came from the street. Baz knew he had been caught, there was no use in running. (Hadn't he run from this moment all his life? The moment where Simon truly recognized him for the monster he was. He recalled some words he had said not all too long ago. 'You have your proof now.' Simon must've been mad not to be afraid of him. But now, there was no history that bound them together. Now Simon really would hate him for being a vampire.)

So, he did the only thing he could do. He straightened his shoulders and let the rat fall from his hands. A bit of blood was dripping from his lips, and Baz smiled, baring all his sharp teeth. He was deadly. He was  _danger._

'Simon.'

Baz wished he could've said it fiercely, but he was barely capable of a whimper. But this was the reason why they were in this mess in the first place; because Baz had known that Simon would hate him if he didn't remember him. If there was any _sense_ left in him.

'You- You're - '

The shock was written all over Simon's face. Baz wished he could remember; that they'd been roommates for years, that he had suspected it for years. He didn't say anything.

It became all to clear to him that this had been nothing but an attempt. He had wanted to be brave, he wanted to play the hero. Just this one time, for Simon, he wanted to do the right thing.

And this was his reward.

'You can see it now, can't you?' Baz growled. 'You can finally see me for who I am.'

'What- What do you m-mean?'

Simon was shivering. Instinctively, Baz made a step forward, wanting to reach out for him. But Simon withdrew and flinched away from his touch, despite being not even close enough. That was all it took to break Baz. He could see it in Simon's eyes. _Fear._ Simon Snow was afraid of him at last.

And Baz knew that he needed to get away, so he ran. He had never run from anything as quickly before. It was for the first time that Baz wished he really could turn into a bat and fly away.   
He wished for nothing more than to flee from this world, and all its gruesome demons.  
  


 


	6. Chapter 6

Baz rushed into the apartment and locked the door behind him. (He didn't know why. It wasn't like anyone was following him.)

Tears were silently streaming down his face as he got the suitcase out of the wardrobe and started to pack. He was going to leave this place and never go back. He was going to forget that a boy named Simon Snow had ever existed. (He was never going to forget him. And he knew that he would never fall in love with anybody else. Nobody would be able to compare.)

He collected the photos he had taken from Simon's apartment a few days before and he cried some more. Maybe it was good.

He should keep people away from him. Then nothing would be able to hurt him. And there would be no one to disappoint. Baz' fingers started shaking. He couldn't get the image of the way Simon had looked at him out of his head. The worst part was that that was how Simon would always remember him from now on. (No. The worst part was that this was the last time that Baz had ever seen him. He was going to make sure of that.)  
Eventually, Baz sank against the door, his whole body trembling. And he was angry at himself.

_You knew this was going to happen. You knew it._

And then he started thinking, _what's the whole point of it anyways? Why not just search that dude with the blue hair and get it over with? What's left for me here? People are afraid of me. There's a reason my mother killed herself. Simon used to tell me that she was wrong, but clearly she wasn't._

That realization scared Baz, because after everything he _still_ wanted to live. In his mind, there were still the memories of the time he was happy with Simon Snow. He would cherish these memories forever. (He wouldn't give them up for anything. How could he have taken something so important from Simon? Now he felt more guilty than anything. Why could he never do anything right?)

Baz was so deep in thought that he didn't hear the soft knock on the door at first. Then, he just kept sitting there, waiting for the knocking to go away. But it didn't.

'Baz,' Simon called. _Simon? What was Simon doing here?_

'Baz, I know you're in there.'

'Fuck off, I'm not Elsa,' Baz called.

'Please, Baz.'

He hesitated. Then again, he owed it to Simon. Whatever Simon was here for, he owed it to him. Slowly, he pushed himself up and forced himself to open the door.

Despite everything, he wasn't able to meet his eye. Simon walked past him, entering the flat uninvited. He sat down on the couch. So this wasn't going to be quick. Baz sat down next to him, on the far end of the sofa. If he were Simon, he'd want to be as far away as possible. He'd want to be on the other end of the world. What? What on earth was he doing here?

Baz didn't care any more about keeping up appearances. He didn't care that Simon saw his dried on tears and reddened eyes. He drew up his knees and pressed his forehead against them, no matter how vulnerable it made him seem. There was nothing left to care for.   
_What are you even on about? This is nothing new. He hated you before, when you were hopelessly in love with him._

But still. This was not the same. This hurt so much more. It always hurt more to have something taken from you than never to have it at all.

'I don't know what I'm supposed to think, I- I don't-'

Simon seemed lost, shaken. But he had known Baz only for a few weeks. There was no way he felt nearly as bad as Baz did.

'You're a – vampire.'

Something cracked in Baz at the way Simon said these words.

'Yes.'

'Have – have you killed someone?'

'No. I'm not a murderer.'

Baz used the exact same words he had used back then. Simon had forgiven him back then. He wished that Simon would do the same right now, but he knew that that wouldn't happen.

Probably he wasn't even going to believe him.

The silence laid heavily over their heads. Baz turned his head away. He couldn't bear to look at Simon.  
'I've never felt like this before.'  
Carefully, Simon moved closer.  
'That's what I was trying to tell you earlier. I – I'm... Look, you don't have to say it back. I just want you to know... that, no matter what you think right now, I don't hate you.'

Baz lifted his head.

'In fact, it's the opposite. I – I mean. I'm in love with you.'

Baz stayed quiet for a second. _It couldn't be. Right?_

'Then why do you sound like you're afraid of me?'

'Because – shit, Baz, I'm always nervous when I'm around you. Because I have this stupid, stupid crush on you, and I'm afraid you'll notice that I'm in way too deep...'  
Simon breathed in and wiped a tear away.  
'I know,' Baz cried. 'It's incredibly stupid to fall for a monster. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let this happen again. I shouldn't have... I promise, I'll leave. You'll never hear from me again. You can forget about this, you can - '

He was interrupted by silent laughter. Simon was _laughing?_ He was actually laughing at him? It sounded bitter and cruel, and Baz thought that maybe he deserved this.  
'You don't – You don't actually believe that, do you?'  
'I – Yes, I do. I'll leave, I swear it to you.'  
Baz' face turned red in humiliation.

'No, you actually think you're – Baz. Please.'

Simon moved a little closer and put a hand on Baz' shoulder. Then he made sure that Baz looked in his eyes.

'You are not a monster.'

Baz stared at him. _Is he kidding me?_ _What a beautiful lie._

'Believe me, Baz, please. I'm not sure about a lot of things, but there's one thing I know. You are no monster. Even though you're a vampire, even though I've only known you for a few weeks, I can say that with certainty.'

And now it was Baz' turn to laugh.

'After... everything. And you still don't believe I'm a monster.'

Even after having his memory wiped, Simon still believed it. Crazy.

'My crush is only stupid because it's unrequited.'

'Unrequited?'

Baz laughed louder and Simon shrugged.

'You moron. But then again, apparently nothing changes.'

He smirked. And then he kissed Simon, melting against him. He had longed for Simon's touch for so long. Now, it lit a match inside his heart.

He buried his fingers in Simon's hair, pulling him closer. He would never let him go now. Never again.

'I love you, Baz,' Simon whispered. 'You are not a monster. You aren't.'

Simon smiled and for the first time, Baz was able to believe him.

 


	7. Chapter 7

Simon laid in Baz' arms and Baz was slowly stroking his fingers through Simon's curls. Neither of them wanted to break the touch. Simon knew that there were things that needed to be talked about and they were nagging at the back of his mind, but he kept them far away from himself. Just this once, he wanted to enjoy the moment. He didn't want to ruin it just yet. So he kept still and ignored everything urging, everything from the outside world. He felt safe in Baz' arms, and he curled himself up in them. He wished for the cave to protect him from everything else and he wanted to stay in the bubble of pretend forever. Here, for now, Simon and Baz put all their thoughts to rest and they dozed off into a peaceful sleep, limbs entangled and their breathing calm.

  
When Simon woke up again, the thoughts hit him like a brick. Everything Baz had said to him came to his mind and he was able to identify what had been bothering him all along: there was something wrong. 'I'm sorry I let this happen again.' Those were Baz' words. Again? When had this happened before? And the way he had said: 'After everything, and you still don't believe I'm a monster.'. Everything? Was there more to it than what Simon had witnessed? What was Baz hiding from him? A cold shudder ran down Simon's back. A dreadful feeling crept up in him. Simon gently nudged Baz' shoulder to wake him up.

'Hm?' Baz hummed. His eyes were still closed and his face looked relaxed and innocent and Simon squeezed his hand.  
'What's wrong?' he muttered sleepily.

'We need to talk.'

'Oh.'

'I feel like there's something you're not telling me.'

'W- why would I - '

'Don't do this, Baz. I know there's something you're keeping from me. Please don't hide things from me. I – I want to trust you.'

'I suppose... I suppose I owe it to you to tell you.'

A dark shadow fell across Baz' face and he sat straight up. Simon felt cold all out of a sudden and he couldn't help but think that something horrible was about to happen.

'Okay. Crowley. Where do I start?'

'You – Baz! You swear like a magician.'  
'Oh. Right. You didn't know about that. Well, I guess there's a hell of a lot that you don't know. How am I going to do this?'

Baz brushed through his hair and there was an expression of helplessness on his face. Simon wanted to take his hand again, to soothe him some way, but he felt numb and couldn't move a muscle.  
'I'm going to tell you a story, alright? It's the story of a very brave boy and – his enemy. They met when they were eleven years old, at Watford, when the Crucible cast them together and made them room mates. Turns out that was an ironically cruel strike of destiny, as the two boys were forced to hate each other to the bone. Their families stood on different sides of a war and they both thought that one day they were going to have to kill each other.'  
'I don't like this story.'

'I know. I know.'

Baz lowered his head and it seemed like he was struggling with himself.

'Then, in fifth year, the hero of the story was becoming almost... obsessed with his enemy. He accused him of being a monster and a villain... and he followed him around everywhere he went.'  
'Baz,' Simon said, voice trembling. 'Are you that boy?'

Baz looked at Simon, and there was so much pain in his eyes.

'No.'

He took some time to collect himself before he spoke on.  
'It was at the same time that the other boy realized... He was in love with the hero. So, you know... He was pretty much fucked. Because Simon hated him, and their families didn't want them to be together...'  
'Like Romeo and Juliet...' Simon whispered.  
'Like Romeo and Juliet. Anyways, in their last year of Watford, the enemy was kidnapped by – by fucking numpties and the hero went crazy, not knowing where he was. Then he got a visiting. From his room mates' mother, telling him about her murderer. He gave him a name. When the villain of the story returned, they went looking for the person to find out who had killed his mother. He wanted revenge, he was so hurt, he – Well, then they went to find the guy who was supposed to have information but that guy didn't tell them anything. The enemy went mad over that, he thought it was hopeless and he set a forest on fire and himself with it. He wanted to die in that fire. But... the hero wouldn't let him. He couldn't just let him die. So, he did what heroes do. He saved him. And what a hell of a first kiss that was. You wouldn't believe it.'

'Couldn't he have saved him some other way?'

'I- I don't think he could, no. Well, after that a few things blew up and the hero saved the world and it was a pretty big mess, but after that... it was like the happy ending they had never dared to dream of. They became the most handsome couple you can imagine. Except things weren't so alright. The enemy didn't believe he could ever be loved. So he did what enemies do. He destroyed everything.'

'What, Baz?' Simon was crying. 'What did he do?'

'He had a really strange encounter with a guy who called himself the devil. He didn't believe him, at first, and I don't know, he thought he didn't have a soul anyways...'

'Baz, am I – are you - '

'I wanted to save you, Simon! I thought you could only be happy without me! I thought you would realize that I'm not somebody you could ever love if circumstances were different! I made a deal with him... I sold my soul to save you, Simon, and I didn't realize the mistake I made. I didn't realize that you would just... fall in love with me again...'

Baz was crying, too.

'I'm sorry, Simon, I'm so, so sorry. I never should've taken it from you.'

Simon screamed at him. Ineligible sentences, angry words. He screamed, _I hate you,_ and he meant, _I love you._

And then he threw himself at Baz, hitting him (not too hard) and sobbing into his shirt. And Baz went calm and held him still, pressing Simon against his chest. Eventually, Simon grew silent, too and just let himself be held. Time passed and they were a silent picture of pain, and grief, and heartbreak.

'I can't even be angry at you,' Simon muttered. 'I want to be angry at you.'

'I know. I'm a villain. It's okay. You don't have to forgive me.'

'No, you're not,' Simon whispered and it was as if he had said it before. Something he had thought before, when he was somebody else. And he knew that it meant more than he remembered. Not a monster. Not a villain.  
' _You're just a boy_.'

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

Hours passed as they were clutching onto each other until finally Simon uttered a single word.  
'No.'

'What?'  
He had thought about it for a long time – everything that had happened, and his answer was simple.

'No.'

'What do you mean?'

'I've lost my memory. You've sold your soul to the devil. That sounds weird to me. There is no devil, is there?'

'How else would he have wiped your memory? Or, more specifically, the memory of me?'

'I don't know, but I know that I won't believe it until he proves it to me. I don't know this kind of magic and – and – this guy can fight me!'  
'No, Simon, I'm afraid he will do something...'

'He'll be up for a little talk, won't he?'  
'But I don't know where to find him -'

'No. That's the answer. No, we're not giving up. I'm going to get my memory back. We're going to find out what's behind this. Because you know what? I'm angry. And you know what that means?'

'What?'

'Whoever that guy is – he should be afraid.'

  
Shortly after dawn arrived, they went to the bar where Baz had met him. To do questioning, to get clues. What they didn't expect was for him to sit there, sipping on his drink. Baz carefully grasped Simon's hand.

'That's him,' he hissed.

'What the fuck,' Simon whispered back. 'He looks ridiculous. What kind of devil dresses like that?'

'You've met many devils?'

'No?'

'Then shut up.'

Baz straightened his back and Simon could tell he was nervous, but Baz did what he always did when he was in a situation of danger. (Simon knew that – he knew it, but he couldn't remember why.)  
Baz' face went void of all emotion, and instead he put on a sneer. He looked as though nothing could harm him.

Gracefully (Simon couldn't have described it with another word), slid in the seat beside the guy with the blue hair. Simon stumbled into the seat next to him. (He wished he had his sword with him. Or his magic. No. Not his magic. He didn't want to go off. He just wished he could do _something._ He felt like he was all talk and no actions – but that wasn't true. He would do whatever was necessary.)

'You're a local?' Baz started and the guy smirked at him. He didn't seem surprised at all. Simon wondered whether he had seen them coming in through the door.  
'No,' he answered. 'I've come here every day for the last few weeks. I've been waiting.'  
'For what?'  
'You. You took awfully long.'

'Why?'

'The curse didn't work as well for you as you imagined, did it?'

'No.'  
Baz' grabbed Simon's hand a little tighter.

'And now you want me to reverse it again, right?'

Baz nodded.

'So what would you do if I told you that I wasn't able to do that?'

Baz' eyes widened for a moment, and the guy laughed.  
'Nah, mate. I'm just pulling your leg. Of course I can reverse it.'  
'And are you going to?'

'Yes.'

'And what do you want in return?'

'Nothing.'  
'Yeah, but why am I having trouble to believe that?'  
'I don't know.'

'Why would a devil just - '

'Devil?'

The guy laughed again. It just sounded amused.  
'You didn't really believe that, did you? Do I look like a devil to you?'

Baz growled inwardly, but urged himself to stay calm.  
'But then why did you do it? Do you just like playing games, or what?'

There was a line on his forehead that appeared when he frowned. Now the guy in front of him went serious.  
'A friend of mine asked me to do it. I owed it to her.'  
'Why? Why would anybody want to do that to me?'

'She wanted to save you, Baz. She wanted to save you from yourself. I knew you wouldn't believe me until you saw for yourself. She... She wanted you to know. That you deserve to be loved. That you are not a monster. She wanted me to tell you... She's sorry. She was afraid. She thought it was the right thing to do. But she knows that you are enough, as you are. She's proud of you.'  
Baz' gaze was twitching. 'Who?' he whispered.  
'Don't worry, Baz. Tomorrow, Simon will remember everything. There's no catch. You will never see me again. She wants you to be happy. Please, if you can't do it for yourself, do it for her.'  
The guy put a few notes on the counter and stood up.  
'Good bye, brave vampire boy.'

'Who?'

Baz said it louder this time and his voice was shaking.  
'Tell me who!'  
'Your mother really loved you.'  
Baz drew back at these words, paling.  
'My mother is dead,' he whispered, eyes wide in shock.  
'I know,' the guy smiled sadly. 'But the dead come back sometimes – when something is hunting them.'  
'That's not possible! How would you – how would she -'

'I'm not human, Baz. And there are a lot of things you don't know about her. Your mother hung the moon, remember?'

And with that he left, not turning back. Baz started crying and Simon held him, kissing away his tears.

'It's alright, Baz,' he murmured.  
'You believe him?'

'I think so, yes. I see no reason why he would be lying.'

'Yeah... that – that's true... But she... why...'  
'It's going to be alright, Baz. I remember, vaguely, of that night in the fire. I remember what you told me. You were wrong all along. I have no idea how she did it – but she knows about you. And she wants you to be safe.'  
'But – all these years, I believed – I believed – How can I just stop believing now?'  
'You will. You're a Pitch. You're made of fire – you're so strong.'

Baz was sobbing and Simon stroked his back.  
'It's okay,' Simon said. And it was going to be.

 


	9. Epilogue

It was cold down in the catacombs. It never used to bother Baz before, but he wasn't used to it any more. A small flame hovered above Baz' palm, the only source of light in the gloomy room. It had been a while, but he found his destination easily.

In the midst of many, many skulls, there was her grave. He placed a single white rose in front of it, spelling it to preserve longer. (White roses, the flower of death.)

'I've come here so often,' Baz began. 'Telling you how sorry I am.'

He took a deep breath.

'And I guess there are many things I should apologize for. The way I treated Simon a long time, for example. But that's not what I did when I came here. I apologized for being a vampire, and gay, and in love with 'the enemy', and a constant disappointment. Not only to you. To myself.'

Baz sat down on the cold stone ground. He felt tired and nostalgia was tugging in his chest.

'I used to tell you that I miss you. And I do. I wish you hadn't killed yourself when I was five years old. I mean, I understand, but... I needed you. I made it on my own, but it was hard, and it was rough, and... I could've used some help. Ha. Guess you gave that to me at last.'

Baz closed his eyes and let silence fall over him, before he spoke up again.

'And I've realized some things. I think... that, maybe, you wouldn't have wanted me dead. And perhaps it doesn't matter. Because I'm happy now. Truly. There was a time when I thought that things would never change... When I thought that I would die feeling like this. I thought I'd die unloved, and in shame, killed by Simon Snow, at a very young age. But I didn't. I survived. And I think I can take the rest of it as well. I came here to tell you, I love you. And I'm not sorry any more.'

Baz stood up again.

'I won't apologize for who I am. Thank you for reminding me of that. My name is Baz Pitch. And I'm proud of who I am.'

And then he went away, leaving the rose behind and with it all memories he had to this place.

 

Simon was waiting for him outside the gates. He stood there staring at Watford, the evening sun making it seem red. It wasn't until Baz laid a hand on Simon's shoulder that he seemed to realize his presence.

'Are you alright?' Baz asked concerned.

' _Magic separates us from the world,'_ Simon said. ' _May nothing separate us from each other._ And now is separates you not only from the world but also from me.'

'I'm sorry, Simon, I shouldn't have brought you here.'

'No, it's fine. I've missed it. This is the only place where I ever used to feel home.'

'Even with me as your room mate?'

'Yeah,' Simon smiled. 'You're home to me.'

'Cut it out, you sap,' Baz said but inside he got a fuzzy warm feeling.  
'Let's go back,' Simon added. 'Penny said she was going to make cookies.'

They smiled and started to walk down the path. Simon lightly took Baz' hand in his.

'I love you, you know?'

'Yeah, love you, too,' Baz whispered absentmindedly.

'No,' Simon said and stopped walking. He grabbed Baz' shoulder to make him look at him.  
He held his gaze as he said: 'I _love_ you.'

Baz' smile widened.

'I love you, too, Simon,' he said and kissed him gently. A weird feeling crept up in his chest. _What is that_ , he thought. Apparently, he didn't lie to his mother's grave. Happiness. That's what they call it.

Simon grinned at him broadly and Baz' heart was beating fast. This was it. _Yes_ , he thought. He had gotten lucky. This was what the universe had given him eventually.

He squeezed Simon's hand and looked up at the sky, where the light moon appeared.

He could almost hear his mother's words. 'It's okay, little puff.'

_Yes, mom. It's okay now and I think I deserve a happy ending._

He looked at Simon's smiling face once again, his moles, his hair, and his stupidly blue eyes and he knew that he got it.

 


End file.
